"Getting Past Getting Lucky"
Foreword
You meet someone special. Perhaps your best friend sets you up, or you connect through a dating service, or you work in the same building and speak in the elevator, or you find each other in a club, or at the gym. You date, you kiss, you get to know each other, and if the stars are aligned and it is meant to be, you commit. Then you live happily ever after.
According to the mythology of western mating, that's more or less how the process of finding your life partner is supposed to go.
Supposed to.
A loving partnership between two people is the core social relationship in our society. It's how we keep the species going, how we raise the next generation, and how we provide emotional support for each other. This last bit is crucial. A society can't function without a way for individuals to give and get the care we each need to survive and thrive. This is especially true for people living in today's complex communities – buzzing hives where masses of people are always on the move and under significant stress. We make many important decisions in our lives, but none is as critical to our success and happiness as the choice of a life partner. So how do we do it? How do we make this most important decision of our lives? We usually fumble around for a while until we bump into someone who looks like a good fit. Then if the timing is right, or sometimes if it isn't we marry and a perhaps a child arrives, or a child arrives and then we marry, or a child just arrives and we skip the marrying part.
We start off optimistically assuming things will work out. At least half the time we're wrong. After a few years, or more than a few, things start going badly and we're left choosing between painful options.
We are more careful about selecting the city we’ll live in than who we'll live with. We spend more time thinking about what features we need in a car than we do consciously considering the qualities of the person who would make a great, lifelong match.
There is a better way. Thirty years ago, after a long series of failed relationships, I finally figured out what that better way is. When that happened, when sitting alone in my Los Angeles apartment the "aha!" hit me, my life turned around completely.
You should know that I am not a psychologist or a physician. I am not even a talk show host. I have no credentials at all that would make you believe anything I have to say about human relationships. For that reason I've kept what I learned, my Relationship Quadrants, mostly secret these past thirty years. On the few occasions I've shared the Quadrants with friends and family, they have always proven effective regardless of the user's age, gender, sexual orientation, race, or profession. People have used a modified version of the Quadrants to make other important life decisions as well, like whether or not to start a business, or make a career change, or hire a particular candidate for a key position.
Every so often someone would encourage me to write it all down so others could benefit from the simple, elegant power of the Quadrants. I never have, until now, because … well because I doubted anyone would want to read what I have to say on the subject.
But here you are, so perhaps I was wrong.
According to the mythology of western mating, that's more or less how the process of finding your life partner is supposed to go.
Supposed to.
A loving partnership between two people is the core social relationship in our society. It's how we keep the species going, how we raise the next generation, and how we provide emotional support for each other. This last bit is crucial. A society can't function without a way for individuals to give and get the care we each need to survive and thrive. This is especially true for people living in today's complex communities – buzzing hives where masses of people are always on the move and under significant stress. We make many important decisions in our lives, but none is as critical to our success and happiness as the choice of a life partner. So how do we do it? How do we make this most important decision of our lives? We usually fumble around for a while until we bump into someone who looks like a good fit. Then if the timing is right, or sometimes if it isn't we marry and a perhaps a child arrives, or a child arrives and then we marry, or a child just arrives and we skip the marrying part.
We start off optimistically assuming things will work out. At least half the time we're wrong. After a few years, or more than a few, things start going badly and we're left choosing between painful options.
We are more careful about selecting the city we’ll live in than who we'll live with. We spend more time thinking about what features we need in a car than we do consciously considering the qualities of the person who would make a great, lifelong match.
There is a better way. Thirty years ago, after a long series of failed relationships, I finally figured out what that better way is. When that happened, when sitting alone in my Los Angeles apartment the "aha!" hit me, my life turned around completely.
You should know that I am not a psychologist or a physician. I am not even a talk show host. I have no credentials at all that would make you believe anything I have to say about human relationships. For that reason I've kept what I learned, my Relationship Quadrants, mostly secret these past thirty years. On the few occasions I've shared the Quadrants with friends and family, they have always proven effective regardless of the user's age, gender, sexual orientation, race, or profession. People have used a modified version of the Quadrants to make other important life decisions as well, like whether or not to start a business, or make a career change, or hire a particular candidate for a key position.
Every so often someone would encourage me to write it all down so others could benefit from the simple, elegant power of the Quadrants. I never have, until now, because … well because I doubted anyone would want to read what I have to say on the subject.
But here you are, so perhaps I was wrong.
